Don’t forget to get offended today by some retarded shit that has absolutely no bearing on your life whatsoever.

I just changed a light bulb with a beer in my hand if anyone needs a man for something.

If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.

Arguing on the Internet is like sex with a goat No matter how good your performance, everyone else now thinks less of you.

Best Classic Joke Ever… So Seinfeld says “What’s the deal with airline food!?” LMAO

Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.

Divorced couples have two chromosomes. Ex and why.

What is the difference between your wife and your job? Your job still sucks.

Doing crazy things in public and not caring because you’re with your best friends.

As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.