I’m getting really good at this parenting thing. I just secretly ate 3 oreos while my kids were in the same room.

What did the regular expression truck driver say when he saw the number 10000? 10{4}

[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant] FRIEND: You seen my elephant? ME: no FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has

What do dyslexic zombies eat? BRIANS!! Everyone else is safe

How do alien hunters keep from oversleeping? They SETI their alarm-y

My last girlfriend was a promiscuous impressionist. She did everybody.

that stage of not showering where you develop a sort of detached, clinical interest in how bad you smell & seeing how much worse it can get

A German joke… A man is thanking a German firefighter in America for saving 100 people. The German says, “Don’t Menschen it”

Do you have to be from Vietnam to open up a restaurant called “Viet Noms?” I’m asking for a friend

Carbs are my starch enemy.