What’s the difference between a Baby Hobbit and Taco Bell? One throws shire fits, and the other gives you fire shits.

My wife asked me: “Shall we go bowling or stay cozy home.” I replied: ” I am sick of putting my fingers in holes that everyone has touched with their sweaty hands. Let’s go bowling!”

I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.

Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.

Here is a horrible insult. You look good.

What do you call the grounds of a university that specializes in teaching neuroscience to hippopotamuses? Hippocampus!

I think we could significantly cut down the number of different pasta shapes and still be okay.

What was Ghandi? Super-callous-fragile-mystic-hexed-with-halitosis

How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee *before* it was cool.

In the beginning… Miller Brewing said, “Let there be Lite.” The Fat Broad said, “Less filling, but I’m not sure it tastes great.”