Policeman: Didn’t you see that stop sign? Driver: I keep my eyes closed in traffic.

I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!

Tom DeLong has split from Blink 182… Looks like he lasted ‘de long’ time.

What is the world’s fastest land animal? The Ethiopian chicken

What’s the spaciest kind of camel? Andromedary

“What if we make headphones that stay in people’s ears?” “Good idea Bob!” [aside] “Kill him and his whole family.” -Apple meeting

What does Hitler say when he’s impressed? That’s Totalatarily Awesome

Everyone around me keeps telling me I’m mean. Which is absurd. Plus, they’re ugly.

Whats the hardest part about being a pedophile? Trying to fit in.

Saturday in my 20’s: “Nice, this club is hot! gimme a Vodka tonic!” Tonight: “Nice, grocery store is empty, ooh I got coupon for that !!”