Twitter: something to read when people are talking to you.

[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless

This is embarrassing. I tunneled through my wall to escape work and ended up in my boss’s office. He’s watching me tweet this. I’m fired.

MOVE CHEESE!! Get out of the whey!! Credit to some youtuber.

I hate mosquitoes, they’re like nature’s version of a Jehovah’s Witness……….

What’s the heaviest soup? One ton soup.

Teeth are so weird. Imagine if all of our bones were exposed and we had to brush them.

I couldn’t find my eye drops today It seems like eye dropped it. 😐

How does a woman take care of her asshole? She packs him a lunch and sends him to work.

What did one nut say to the other nut? Between you and me, our neighbor is a dick.