“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.” – my 2 year old

Sorry, my dog ate your text message.

Recent studies have shown that Apple is trailing behind Samsung in innovation Experts predict that it will take at least another two years for iPhones to bring explosive features to the market.

What do hot cups of coffee and crazy women have in common? You shouldn’t stick your dick in it, and you always regret it when you do.

My mate was killed yesterday, the bookies he worked in collapsed and he was pinned against the wall by boxes of betting slips. Firemen tried to help but the odds were stacked against him.

The biggest problem with teen pregnancy is that those idiots still think it’s okay to name a kid “Bentley” or “Destiny.”

What’s white on top and black at the bottom? Society

Me: Read this tweet. Wife: Sure. Me: Is it racist? Wife: No. Me: Sexist? Wife: No. Me: Is it offensive at all? Wife: No. Me: *deletes tweet*

My town’s population never changes Every time a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.

How do pirates know that they exist? They think, therefore they arrrr