How do you fit an elephant in a subway…. you take the s out of sub and the f out of way

Whenever I start to hate my job I think about the camera crew that has to follow the Kardashian’s 24/7.

I don’t like anti jokes… I like uncle jokes

what’s the difference between a cat and compound sentence? one has claws at the end of it’s paws…the other has a pause at the end of it’s clause.

What do you call a prostitute who’s upset about gun control? A sandy hooker

Have you heard about the gay midget? He came out of the cupboard

How did Nazi’s pickup Jewish Women? With a dust pan and broom

How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.

Some guy told me he liked me, but he doesn’t follow me on twitter so his opinion is invalid.

When does a bed grow longer? At night, because two feet are added to it.