what sign on your phone does a dog hate the most The pound sign.

A Welshman is talking to his girlfriend… when she asks, “How many sexual partners did you have before me?” “I don’t know.” replies the Welshman. “Everytime I try and count them I fall asleep.”

What did the leper say to the hooker? “Keep the tip.”

Two guys walk into a bar… … I can’t remember the rest of the joke, but your mother’s a whore.

I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”

How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb? At least 7. One to screw in the bulb and the others to form a support system. They would also like you to know they’re vegan.

What do you call an Italian’s semi-formal shirt? Marco’s polo

Help 9-1-1! I just found my husband! He’s been drugged in his coffee and then stabbed with a pen knife but that didn’t work and then shot!

Dude, did you hear Willy Nelson’s gone..? Yeah..he’s on the road again.

I wonder if the coach of the opposing team on Air Bud got fired when he explained to the principal how a golden retriever outscored his team