My girlfriend left me a roll of quarters for laundry today She told me to try to not blow it all on one load…

If you dont believe in Oral Sex, keep your mouth shut

Meanwhile, in Facebook, Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.

my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”

Obi-wan: You look different. Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs. Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.

Obama’s announcement Today, President Obama announced that, after January 20th, the official title of “U.S. Government” will be changed to include quotation marks around Government.

ELI5: Why do i suck at posting in the right sub?

Glad I read the label on that Clorox. I was about to rub it in my eyes and keep it in the reach of so many children.

Why does Stevie Wonder smile all the time? No one told him he’s black.

Old musicians don’t die. They just decompose.