“I enjoy long walks on the bitch.” -a flea’s online dating profile

Three of five fingers were willing to cooperate but the thumb and forefinger were opposed!

Posting a status update before responding to someone’s text is the easiest way to let them know how unimportant they are.

Meth, because teeth are annoying.

*Takes your face in my hands* *Looks deep into your eyes* *Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *

Scandium, Iodine, neon, corium. What is it? It’s Science. UPDATE: I’m an idiot

The kids are asking why I’m wearing sunglasses in the house today. Spiked their morning OJ with vodka so we are on the same page.

If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them, then a little past them and avoid them altogether it’s probably not worth it.

A man invested in a weight loss diet from Britain He lost 10,000 pounds! But it didn’t work

Pregnancy in the 1940’s. (Doc) – “Mrs. Smith, I have some **great** news for you”…. (Patient) – “Thats MISS Smith, doctor!”…. (Doc) – “Miss Smith, I have some *bad* news for you”….