I pulled a muscle masturbating… I know, I know; you’re not supposed to put the punchline in the title.

Which way will it fall? If a rooster lays an egg on a pointed roof, which way will it land? Roosters don’t lay eggs

Mr. Peanut can’t be a health nut… because he is a legume.

Pinocchio had 2 pets. He had a cat named mittens and a dog named champ. He also had a wood pecker.

My girlfriend said she was leaving me because of my obsession with The Monkees. I thought she was joking. Then I saw her face…

My son decided to help me clean the car today. After ten minutes of watching him, I told him to use some elbow grease. Two hours later, the idiot came back and told me that he couldn’t find it.

What do you call a chicken without feathers? Dinner!

How many rednecks does it take to eat a possum? Two. One to eat it, another to look out for traffic!

Hey, are you BB-8? (harmless spoiler) Coz I’d like to fix your antenna ( )

I’m not sexist because being sexist is wrong, and being wrong is for women.