If we become engaged will you give me a ring? Sure, what’s your phone number?

Q: Why did Clinton choose Canada as the site for his summit with Yeltsin? A: So he could look up some college buddies who moved up there during the war.

Coworker: I don’t even know what’s wrong with me. *sighs Me: Oo Oooo pick me pick me I know *raises hand with answer

Jews be like Nah Way is Jesus the son of God And Christians be like Yahwah!

I started dating an optometrist, but she left me… She just said she couldn’t see me anymore.

Whilst reading through an ancient book at the British Library, I found a magic spell’ that would supposedly make women want to have sex with me. Worked like a fucking charm.

Do you guys ever put sheets over your dogs so they look like little dog ghosts? Me neither.

What do you get if you cross some ants with some tics ? All sorts of antics !

I used to be indecisive… But now I’m not sure. EDIT: I know this is an old joke, but it’s one of my favorite one-liners, so I thought I’d share.

Man arrested on charges of being nice, quiet guy. “I’m shocked, he always seemed like such a murderous asshole,” said a neighbor.