Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

Why are Leprechauns always laughing? Because the grass tickles their balls when they run EDIT: I don’t know why I decided to post this..

I have good news and bad news. The good news is that I slept with a coworker. The bad news is I work at the Dollar Store.

Pac-Man is a good metaphor for life because the goal is to eat all the pellets in a level. There is also fruit & ghosts, just like in life

If Joffrey Baratheon was anymore inbred… he’d be a sandwich.

There’s no better feeling than laying next to the person you love And they don’t know you love them Or that you’re in their house again

Q: Why can’t orphans play baseball? A: Because they don’t know where home is.

This is an X and Z conversation… Y are you in the middle?

I like my women like I like my coffee, tied up in burlap and thrown over the back of a donkey.

A 7 y/o asks his mom at the dinner table… “Mom?” “Yes, honey?” “I can be whatever I want to be right?” “Yes, dear.” “Then can I be a carnivore?” “…Eat your vegetables.”