Shakira molests air and calls it dancing.

An Old German Visits the Doctor. His doctor comes into the room with a frown on his face, and tells him he has Lung Cancer. “Well,” the German says, “I did Nazi that coming.”

How do Ethiopians celebrate their kids first birthday? By putting flowers on the grave.

Vampire who is obsessed with his diet. -Count Calories

Him: I know your secret Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah? H: You killed someone M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep

God made me an atheist Who are you to question his Wisdom.

Can I program my dvr to delete Whitney but keep the funny commercials?

Migrants are no longer welcome in the Greek island of Lesbos… as some people munched up the red carpet.

If I had a dollar for every gender I’d have $1.79.

Don’t judge me for my race, don’t judge me for my gender. Judge me because I’ve read all four of the Twilight books.