Why do black people put their trash out in clear plastic bags? So that the Puerto Ricans can window-shop.

A stripper once told me that I’m not her type. Um, yeah I am. I have a dick and 20 dollars.

There was a kidnapping at my school last week… don’t worry they woke him up.

1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance – My stages of getting ready for work

Nazis and the great depression, I get it, Grandpa. But did you have to hear the word ‘selfie’ every fucking day? Did you?!

There are two types of people I cannot stand Those who are intolerant of other cultures/ people groups… and the Dutch.

Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush. -Emojenesis 8:15

Justin Beiber fell off stage last night at a concert in Canada. He suffered only minor injuries according to his gynecologist.

There are 10 types of people in this world… 1. Those who understand ternary. 2. Those who don’t. 10 . Those who expected the binary gag.

Guess what I had for breakfast this morning. .. Ebola of cereal!