I’m a pediatrician. Oh, so you’re into feet? Uh no…children. Isn’t that illegal?

Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok

My friend lives in Colorado and wanted to start growing weed on his cow farm. I told him it wasn’t a good idea. The steaks would be too high.

How to talk to a good girl and bad girl When you talk to a good girl, ask ‘How are you?’ When you talk to a bad girl, ask ‘How much are you?’

what’s the difference between a loaded potato and a normal one? Someone’s a lot less deadly with a normal potato.

Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…

Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water … *Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now

I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.

Marvel have announced Thor is set to become a woman. New super powers include being judgmental, temperamental and unreasonable.

You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?