When you talk to ghosts, they always tell the truth. When you speak with them, they’re really transparent.

I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.

I asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia and she whispered “They’re behind you.”

Computers can beat us at go and chess, but we can still kick their asses at kickboxing.

ISIS Awards Night: The 2016 best suicide bomber award goes to Mohammed. Unfortunately, Mohammed can’t be with us tonight.

You know what they say, once you go black… …you’re a single mom

My New Year’s resolution is 1920 x 1080!

What did fish A say to fish B? Wasabi?

Where did the Indian buy his sandwiches? The New Dehli

I really should learn to say “congratulations” instead of “are you keeping it?”