Barack Obama is having a race with Joe Biden around the white house. After finishing the race Obama says “Whew, just under 10 minutes. Did I break the record?” Biden replies “No, Bush did 9:11.”

Just seen a fish swim into a wall of concrete Dam

Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.” So now I have a tombstone to select

Q: How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Ve are asking ze qvestions here! A: Two one to give the order that the bulb be changed and one to screw it in.

As I slowly remove her panties I think to myself God these don’t fit me very well

Friends are like potatoes. When you eat them, they die.

I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.

How does Mulan’s boyfriend explain himself when she caught him smoking pot? Shanghai

Who always wins at musical chairs? Rosa Parks

I will not kill my coworkers I will not kill my coworkers I will not…. Maybe just one…