I can’t help but feel important when someone says there’s a special place in hell for people like me.

Bieberohhellnophobia: fear of accidentally listening to Justin Bieber song & not having the ability to rip own ears off #omgfacts

How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Hella.

If I don’t make some serious changes to my life, they’ll never let me into the gates of heaven. So who can teach me how to pick a lock?

Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.

What’s the tragedy with little people? They lead such short lives.

Whats the difference….? What’s the difference between a lamborghini and a pile of dead babies? I don’t have a lamborghini in my garage.

I’ve started a business building yachts in my attic Sails are going through the roof!

Waterskiing is fun. I wish there were more sports where machines just dragged you around

What do you get if you cross a snake and a pig ? A boar constrictor !