What do you call an alligator with a magnifying glass? An investigator.

Happy Birthday question from grandpa Hey nephew are you trying to overtake me?

Why is it called taking a shit? Cuz no one wants to say they’re giving a shit.

Why can’t an elephant ride a bicycle? Because he doesn’t have a thumb to ring the bell.

Out of 11, how bad is your OCD?

3 days ago I got a pass-code lock that takes a picture whenever someone enters the wrong code in my phone. So far I have 26 pictures of drunk me.

What’s the best way to pick up a Jewish girl in the 1940s? With a dustpan.

I don’t watch World Cup soccer. If I wanted to see grown men struggle to score for 90 minutes I’d go to a bar.

What do two owl brothers say when they are carrying something? To me, to hoo.

What has four legs, two humps, and is given a copy of Metal Gear Solid for their computer? Revolver Camelot!