My wife just told me she read all 1800 of my tweets. I feel like I did when I was 10 and my mom found that magazine under the mattress….

why is math book so sad? it has many problems…

I watched an Indian weapon dancing ritual today It was pretty Sikh.

R Kelly taking the art out of rap artist.

What did the cow with a cold say? Boo

How do you know your sister is on her period? When your dads dick tastes like shit.

Whats the difference between a black guy and a pizza? a pizza can feed a family of four

You can’t boss me around until you’re older than the whiskey I drink. -subtweet to my GF

“You’re in no position to be making demands.” [does a handstand] “Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.” “Fair enough.

Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t* Me: Stop or I’ll be mad Kids: *keep doing it* Me: Stop or Mom will be mad Kids:*stop immediately*