Computers and taxis are surprisingly similar. They both crash when the drivers stop working.

I tried to eat a clock… …but it was very time consuming.

What is green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.

Yo mamas so fat she walked in front of the tv and I missed 3 commercials.

What do American beer and having sex in a canoe have in common? They’re both f**king close to water.

Q: Why’d the robber take a bath? A: He wanted to make a clean getaway.

I was going to do a Liam Neeson joke, but I feel like the best ones have already been taken.

I hope there’s a special place in Hell for me. I’d hate to be lumped in with all those other assholes.

The sign at the pool says, Children Under 12 Require Supervision. I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.

Have you heard about the Oscar Pistorius drinking game? Every time somebody goes in a bathroom and locks the door, you take four shots.