I carry a knife, but it’s just in case of cake.

What’s Brown and rhymes with “snoop”? Dr Dre…….

How did the hipster drown? By swimming in the main stream.

Red, White and Blue represent freedom until you see them flashing behind your car.

When I was younger, they used to be able to tell me and my twin brother apart by our balls. He’d bawl at night and I’d bawl during the day.

When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.

Why did people call the late man a tiny ass? Because he was a little behind.

Newtons 3rd law of emotion Newton’s 3rd law of emotion is, for every male action there is a crazy ass female overreaction.

The first 2 slices of pizza cure depression and the last 14 bring it right back.

We live in a society that’s the most knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse, but the most likely to be eaten while staring at our phones.