CHEF: You’re fired ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?” CHEF: Yes ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef- CHEF: GET OUT

Sometimes I think my dog is only interested in food, then I realise that’s mostly all I’m interested in as well. He’s alright.

59 It’s like a 69, but one person is in a wheelchair.

My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.

My next song is about subtraction. Take it away…

I like my women with curves. Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.

Why can’t you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the ‘p’ is silent.

The grown up version of Tetris is loading a full dishwasher.

What do you call a furiously masturbating dinosaur? A Velocifapper.

Every day is a new day. For someone with Alzheimer’s or Dementia.