What do you call a mummy on a horse? A knight in Charmin armor.

What has 50 legs but cant walk ? Half a centipede !

What’s ET’s first name? Spag.

“So, how was your week off ill?”, asked the co-worker to his Scottish counterpart. “Aye, was okay lad, but it was only a wee cough”.

Someone was taken down to the police station after they were caught drinking vodka from a coffee cup while driving. They took a mug shot.

I hate when people people ask me what I’m doing in 5 years I mean like, come on guys I don’t have 20/20 vision.

What happened to the pie dish that got arrested? He was foiled.

Where did the pilgrims land when they came to America? On their feet!

*hears Siren’s song* *eyes glaze* *walks in a trance ten miles* *breaks window to donut shop* I’m here, Mistress. *eats everything* *dies*

The Holocaust Wasn’t That Bad “The holocaust wasn’t that bad.” “Of course it was!” “I’m going to go out and kill a million Jews and one clown.” “Why the clown?” “See, no one cares about the Jews.”