I liked Kim Jong-un better when he sang Gangnam Style.

Do you know what the kid with no hands got for Christmas? Me neither. He couldn’t open his presents.

What if Steven Hawking… What if Steven Hawking is the real Slim shady, but we don’t know because he cant stand up.

Shopping when hungry means you end up buying food you will regret. Apply the same rule for not being too horny when going to the clubs/bars.

without moms we’d have no password security questions. thanks mom, for making online banking possible

I like you but not save your life before a dog’s life like you.

What do you call a smart guy in US? A tourist.

Coworker: Ugh, the coffee is too strong Me: There is no strong coffee. Just weak people.

Being an aspiring musician is like getting a contract with Verizon. 10 gigs for $80 a month

What do the Scottish people call iPhone? A: an AYE-Phone. (Joke brought to you by a 5 year old)