Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…

Why did Princess Diana cross the road? She didn’t wear her seatbelt.

What’s the definition of a will? Come on, it’s a dead giveaway!

[boy spreads his little arms] Boy: i love you this much daddy! Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount

If you jump through the hole in a hipster’s earlobe you get transported to a SIMS game where the only people are Harry Potter characters

What’s the difference between a girlfriend and a toilet The toilet doesn’t want to cuddle after you dump a load in it.

Breaking News… The inventor of the Anagram has died…may he “erect a penis”….

I was thinking of hosting a gathering of celebrities where we make harsh jokes about honoree JLO’s backside. Think of it as a rump roast.

If you only had 1% battery left on your phone, what would you tweet? Because clearly we’d still tweet.

.@Beyonce can you feed my turtles while I’m on vacation