How does Craig Venter drink beer? Shotgun method

I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”

Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.

A clown sighting was reported at the office this morning but it turns out Karen put her make up on in the car again.

I’m hungry but broke so I’m waiting for my bf to say he’s hungry too than he’ll order something delicious while I pretend to be indifferent.

In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.

You could sell the cure for Ebola to Gamestop and they’d still only give you $4.99 for it

Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”

You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector

Whats the difference between a refrigerator and a gay man? Refrigerators don’t fart when you pull the meat out.