Why did the zombie turtle have so much trouble dancing? Rigor tortoise.

I just bought bunk beds. The other night I brought a date home. She said, “I’ll get on top.” I said, “Great, I’ll get the ladder.” She said, “You sure think a lot of yourself, don’t you?”

What do Jedi and rapists have in common? They both use “The Force”.

Went to an astrologer and found out why my wife and I aren’t compatible. I’m a Capricorn and she’s a fucking BITCH!

Joseph was changing Jesus’ diaper Joseph slowly takes out Jesus’ dirty diaper, when Mary suddenly asks, “What’s inside?”. Joseph exclaimed “Holy shit!”.

I thought of something funnier than 24 25

I woke up with a ringing in my left ear So I put my phone on vibrate.

Trying to improve my street cred by lowering our minivan a couple inches.

I will be in a bathroom stall later today to watch Trump’s inauguration… …it will forever be remembered as the day shit went down.

Kinky and Perverted What is the difference between perverted?? Kinky is when you tickle your lovers ass with a feather … perverted is when you use the whole chicken!