Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international? Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country. Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.

I accidentally bought a bicycle that has no seat it’s not a deal breaker but it’s kind of a pain in the ass.

Two men walk into a bar… Knock, knock.

The inventor of the snooze button has passed away. His funeral will take place tomorrow at 8:00, 8:06, 8:11, 8:13, and 8:14.

deer diary: day 67 at hugwerts skool uv wezirdry nd none uv teh studints hav noticd dat my wahnd is an slim jim.

I’ve decided to take the day off today. I’m just going to call it to.

Pun contest One day a man saw that there was a local paper puns contest. So he decided to write his 10 best puns and enter them into the contest in hope of winning. Unfortunately no pun in 10 did.

Sometimes you need a little distance to see things clearly, but other times it is obviously a bear and you should probably just run

*boss stops meeting* Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group? Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.

The more fanciful embroidery you have on the back pockets of your jeans, the less I value you as a person.