The baker wouldn’t finish telling me how he makes bread. He said that information was on a knead-to-know basis.

Which dog eats with its tail? All dogs keep their tails on when eating.

Found a baby snake in my backyard while mowing. Long story short, I don’t have to mow anymore since my yard is on fire.

Did you know – what is the best thing to put on a delicious cake ? Your MOUTH !!

If I was a candle… …and somebody dumped a bucket of water on me, I’d be quite put out.

Why wasn’t the geologist hungry? He lost his apatite. I know that joke has its faults, so I’ll just accept my pumicement and go back to looking at cleavage.

I love dry erase boards… They’re remarkable.

Where does Skrillex like to eat lunch? He goes to WUBway!

What’s the difference between getting the girlfriend pregnant and locking your keys in the car? How pissed your wife gets when you explain the coat hanger.

What did the Jewish pirate say when he heard his wife died? Argh, shiva me timbers