If the world’s fate ever hangs on my mom opening a picture mail on her phone in under ten minutes, we are all doomed.

I accidentally swallowed some Liquid Paper last night …Today, I woke up with a massive correction.

A black man, muslim, and an illegal alien walk into a bar… And the bartender asks “What are you having Mr. President?”

[interview] My biggest weakness is that I’m too literal “That’s fine. Your resume looks good, welcome aboard!” *turns to whiteboard* welcome

Why is it good for a mason to live in constant fear? That way he just shits bricks.

What do a dog and a near-sighted gynecologist have in common? They both have wet noses.

Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?” Brian May: um… Fandango? Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*

how many Americans does it take to change a lightbulb? None; they’re content to wander around in the dark pretending everything’s okay.

Why is singing like autoerotic asphyxiation? Because sometimes you just gotta belt it out

Trump vs. Kanye 2020 Yeah. Fuck it, why not.