During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter

If The Beatles were from Hawaii… What would they have called their song, “Hello Goodbye?”

I got fired from a suicide hotline Apparently they look down upon reverse psychology.

A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.

I went on a date with a drinking straw. It really sucked.

Why does God love atheists? Because they don’t bother Him with incessant prayer.

Why didn’t the skeleton go to the dance? He had no-BODY to go with.

How can you tell an introverted Techie from an extroverted Techie? An extroverted Techie looks at *your* shoes when he’s talking to you.

What were Jesus’ final words? “So long and thanks for all the fish.” Edit: Everyone hates me.

Snow is like sex… You never know how many inches you’ll get or how long it will last. ..