perfume should come with instructions like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse points Do NOT marinade in event of overdose take shower

A sad story A boy was jelous of his baby brother, so he put poison on his mother’s nipples. The next day, the gardener died.

What do you call a snobbish criminal going down the stairs? A condescending con descending (duh dun dun chh)

The problem with being in the center of attention is that half of it is always behind your back.

Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.

Which Asians have the softest skin? Laotians

At first I thought this subreddit was beating a dead horse. But it had only fainted.

A new Michael Jackson album was released this week and it contains a track titled “Do You Know Where Your Children Are?” Even worse, the next song is called, “Can You Give Me Directions?”

I knew a girl so ugly, she fell asleep at a frat party… and she woke up with more clothes on. (Stolen from Big Bang theory, I just love this joke)

9% Smarter Why are men 9% smarter after sex? They were plugged into a Genius.