What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish? Two very unhappy animals.

One liners Come on /r/jokes, what are your favourite one liners, here’s mine: I will not sleep until I find a cure for my insomnia!

I’m not saying I can perform miracles or anything, but when the Taco Bell employee isn’t looking, I can turn water into Sprite.

I like my men like I like my chess players… They know how to make an opening.

What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend? Wipe.

What did Khloe Kardashian do for a vegetable? Broke up with James Harden

An ideal homework excuse Teacher: Where is your homework? Pupil: Some aliens from outer space borrowed it so they could study how the human brain worked

If you honestly think I want to hear about the details of your dream you’re still fucking dreaming.

WATSON: do you even have a proper education? SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson WATSON: but, like, beyond that SHERLOCK: nah

I used to be really scared about marriage… In fact, I hear 50% of all marriages end up lasting Forever!