5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare. Me: So? 5-year-old: My life is falling apart.

Men are like Bluetooth. When they’re close they’re connected, when they move further they start looking for new equipment.

What is the difference between Chelsea and Leo di caprio? Chelsea got Oscar. huehuehuehue.

I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”

Seal walks into a club Sales have been down recently so he doesn’t play larger venues anymore.

Guys don’t forget, tomorrow is Chinese Aviation Day! AKA Fly-Day

JFK put a man on the moon Obama put a man in a woman’s bathroom

A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.

when a cop pulls me over i tell him i’m a nihilist and i don’t believe in tickets or laws or authority. i do however now believe in tazers.

What do cats eat for breakfast? Mice Krispies.