My friends butler lost his left arm in an accident serves him right.

What is called when a woman gets a sex change? Addadictomy.

What do girls and snowflakes have in common? They can’t drive cars.

I have sex daily. I mean dyslexia!

A mugger holds a man at gunpoint and says, “Give me your wallet or you’re science!” The man says, “Don’t you mean history?” The mugger yells, “Don’t try to change the subject!”

Dear diary, Sometimes it just seems like I can’t tell if something is an inanimate object or a person My therapist: Yes that’s quite clear

[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go

Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.

Why did the cab driver did not get time for his family? Because he was Uber busy.

Buddhist Pizza What kind of pizza does Buddha like? One with everything.