How do you cook vegatables in the microwave ? Take them out their wheelchair.

What do you do when someone has an epileptic fit in the bathtub? Throw in the laundry.

If Microsoft ever makes a product that doesn’t suck… …it’ll be a vacuum!

I went on a blind date and the girl gave me a honeycomb. Knew right away she was a keeper.

They’re giving away Marshawn Lynch jerseys at my local sports shop. But I think I’ll pass

If the wrong women weren’t so tempting, then I’d probably be married to the right one by now. @MaleHonesty86

A: Do you miss your ex? B: Yes, everytime A: How are you going to fix that? B: More frequent target practice

M: If my chip:salsa ratio isn’t perfectly even, I will burn down this restaurant, I swear to God. H: This is our house. M: I SWEAR TO GOD!

Welcome to the Plastic Surgery Addiction Clinic I can see a lot of new faces here tonight, and I’ve gotta say, I’m pretty dissapointed.

“My what big teeth you have! Also you’re grey and furry and clearly a wolf… I’m not retarded.”