Today I bought cupcakes without sprinkles. Diets are hard.

Jewish kid asks his Grandpa for money Grandson: Hey Grandpa, can I have 30 dollars? Jewish Grandpa: 20 dollars?? What do you need 10 dollars for?!

The best thing after an intensive argument is the reconciliation sex… …but boy, do I hate to argue with my in-laws.

Whats the difference between an easily offended person and a gun? A gun actually does something when triggered.

How many Missouri Police officers does it take to change a light bulb? None. They just shoot the room for being black.

The sheer terror of laughing at a joke you didn’t understand and then someone asking you to explain it to them.

What’s the difference between a peeping Tom and someone who’s just got out of the bath? One is rude and nosey. The other is nude and rosey!

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? You don’t tell her anything anymore, you’ve already explained twice.

I believe in a woman’s right to choose, except when it comes to picking what movie we should watch tonight.

With all the awful things happening in Nepal… you just have to wonder…what would Kathmandu?