I’ve started a glass coffin manufacturing business. My friend asked me if I thought it would be successful. I replied “remains to be seen”.

sex toy. do you know about ISIS making there own sex dolls? it blows up itself.

My boss asked if I accomplished my years resolution Nope, I’m still working here

“Did you know Jesus was a carpenter?” -every carpenter, 100 times a day.

Mr Monster: Oi hurry up with my supper. Mrs Monster: Oh do be quiet I’ve only got three pairs of hands.

There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.

Two statisticians walk into a bar… What are the chances of that?

a dyslexic man walks into a bra

Kristen Stewart is proof that if you’re making a face and someone slaps you on the back it will get stuck like that forever.

Why did you get a tattoo? Because tatthrees were too expensive.