A woman found out her husband was cheating on her. “Herman, I can’t believe you did this. Why?” “Well, my name **is** Herman, not Yourman.”

I used to forget time with you. Now, I’ll just forget you with time.

Why is the Angel of Death so socially awkward? Because he sucks at life.

How can you tell soap operas are fictional? In real life, men aren’t affectionate out of bed.

What do we want?! LOW FLYING AIRPLANES! When do we want them?! NEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!!!!!!

What basic skill do herb farmers always struggle with? Thyme management

What does Batman put in his drink? Just ice

What’s worse than lime? Sublime.

“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.

A kid in the park told me smoking was bad for me So I popped his ballon with my cigarette and informed him so was talking to strangers.