What do you call a masturbating cow? Beef stroganoff.

My friend’s a scientist and accidentally chilled his lab rat to absolute zero… At first the rat was just frozen, but he’s 0K now.

Before I lose my phone, end up naked, high, drunk and/or possibly arrested, I would like to wish you all a Happy Friday.

Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast? Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some? Son: NO. I hate casserole. Me (whispers): I know…

They have arrived – Hia Dei Kum

The nintendo 64 turned 18 last month Which means you can now legally blow the cartridges

‘I want to see other kids.’ ~Me, parenting.

Did u hear about the leper poker game? everyone threw their hands in

Two blonds are having a conversation. Two blonds are having a conversation when one says to the other “I had sex with a brazilian last night” The other blond replies “WOW that’s a lot of men”

I cheated a guy in poker so he burnt down my house. I guess you could say it was a conflagration