Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up? Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling* Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”

Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter. Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.

Sometimes the smartest thing you can do, is play stupid.

My life That’s the joke.

Learning to love yourself is important. Just don’t let your wife catch you doing it.

How do you make Helen Keller cry? Turn the stool upside-down

I had a blind date once, her name was ..::..::.:::::…:::::

I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.

Republicans help the poor during the holidays by sending 50 one buck at a time to panhandlers on the street.

What was Hitler’s last two words? Oy Vey!