Follow your dreams. Unless you’re a narcoleptic who wants to be a limo driver. That’s dangerous, dude.

“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend

If Kevin Bacon never said “want some bacon with your eggs” to a lonely chick in a bar, life just doesn’t make sense anymore.

I saw a sausage fly by my window I must be going insane it was actually a bird. I think I’ve taken a Tern for the Wurst

My daughter asked me how much longer until she can be a grown up and I said, “no.”

I got in trouble for calling the rape hotline… Apparently it’s only for “victims”.

what did cinderella do when she got to the ball? gag…

I bet a heroin addict could find a needle in a haystack.

I like my chicken how I like my babies Deep fried and delicious

The best way of saving money is to forget who you borrowed it from.