I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios. Where did they go? Who took them? Why aren’t we helping to find them?

People tend to think I’m a serial killer…. They don’t think that for for very long though!

Why are Americans so bad at chess? They already lost two towers.

Why did the homeless women keep flies in a plastic bottle? That was her vibrator.

Some ascetics were headed into the forest to meditate and one shouts “hey budd, you gonna come seek enlightenment with us?” “Namaste right here.”

Did you hear about the guy that was half Black and half Japanese … … every December 7th he would attack Pearl Bailey.

The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.

3 guys walk into a bar The 4th one ducks.

Back in my day you knew who your real friends were because they ranked you in order of importance on Myspace.

I asked a pretty homeless woman… I asked a pretty homeless women if I could take her home, she said yes with a big smile. The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.