I am going to stay up tomorrow and watch the election results… But all the commercials say “If your election lasts longer than four hours, please call your doctor.”

How do you get a blonde on your roof? Tell her drinks are on the house.

What’s the difference between a person that just won the lottery and a fairy in salt water? One is tickled pink, the other is a pickled Tink.

I went to the Zoo once. It had only one dog. It was a Shitzu.

Hey, Jose! How many of our friends do you see? Just Juan.

They’ve discovered King Kong was indeed heterosexual… …it was booty that killed the beast.

me: Did you brush your teeth? 9: Yes me *hands him a glass of orange juice* 9: Do I have to? me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos

Women’s Rights.

I just bought a device that makes my car 95% quieter! It fits perfectly over her mouth.

Hey something came in the mail today… What? Deez Nutz! Haha Got Em!