“My friend got me a Fitbit” ME: Oh yeh, heard of them, haven’t got one tho “u can buy them online” ME [whispering] u can buy friends online?

Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees? They’re really good at it.

Nice job person who came up with bread.

What did the ISIS fighter say when he went to bomb the Hawaiian cafe? ALOHA SNACKBAR

Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.

What’s a dinosaur’s least favorite reindeer? Comet.

What’s the difference between a daydreamer and a pervert? A daydreamer stares out of windows.

Found out today that you’re supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, NOT a jellyroll stain. Sorry, fat stranger.

How does a black chick tell if she’s pregnant? When she pulls the tampon out, all the cotton is already picked.

How does a cow quickly do math? With a cow-culator! (Rimshot)