How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? None, because feminists cant change anything.

Alcohol makes people do things they know they shouldn’t but kinda want to. E.g I started sleeping 20 hours a day.

What’s the difference between your wife and your job? Job still sucks after 5 years.

Perhaps one day he’ll meet his Girl Fieri.

What’s the difference between your mom and the Empire State Building? Not everyone’s been up the Empire State Building

What does The Sixth Sense and Titanic have in common? Icy dead people

I went out to eat and told the waiter I wanted the steak bloody rare. He asked if I was worried about the mad cow, to which I replied….. ….. No. My wife will cheer up after you take her order.

Why is Santa’s sack so big? Testicular cancer

I think I ate too much salmon over Christmas I just tried to run up an escalator that was going down.

Church is one of the few places you get on your knees BEFORE a guy gives you wine.