“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.

I don’t think it’s correct to call them grammar Nazis anymore… They seem to prefer the label “alt-write” nowadays.

Q: What did the candle say when he was down on his luck? A: I’m at wick’s end.

I stay away from granny Smith. She’s just too tart for me.

guy walks into a bar with a .44 magnum and yells “who the fuck fucked my wife!”. Everybody’s silent for a second, then a guy in the back of the bar says “you haven’t got enough bullets mate”

Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side!!! haha funny fun pun so funny joke haha (upvote this) haha lol =)

A dyslexic walked into the bra

What did the second guesser with no self esteem say to Reddit? edit: nevermind…

My iPod started crying after I dropped it. I said “You’ll be okay, stop syncing about it”. We laughed & made jokes about Microsoft together.

Q: What do you call a fruit that stays up very late to study for tests? A: A cramberry.