Apparently it’s not acceptable to moan when someone is demonstrating a choke hold on you in crisis prevention training.

There’s no way that whatever mothballs prevent is worse than the smell of mothballs

What’s the difference between a happy programmer and a sad programmer? “Hello, world” and “Goodbye, cruel world”

I’m going to open a building that functions as a sperm bank as well as a urine analysis center. It’ll be called “coming or going”.

I was so poor as a kid, we only had Onepac Shakur.

A tree was knocked down by a recent storm… and destroyed an African family’s home. The thing is, we didn’t even know they lived up there!

I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.

Why are 9/11 victims the best readers? They can go through 94 stories in seconds! Edit: Please don’t hurt me.

There is no “we” in pizza

Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars